This one rolled out of my head a few days ago while driving to a trampoline park. Not exactly as it’s written here, but close. I spent most of that half hour acting out the therapist and the would-be client, laughing at the accents that were forming. It’s a small piece of satire about therapy in the age of upselling, and it makes me wonder what our work would like if we adopted the stance of the “budget” airlines, where everything seems to have a price tag.

“Hi, this is Jamie from InnerPath Therapeutic Services. How can I support you today?”

“I’m thinking about starting therapy.”

“Wonderful. You’ve come to the right place. Just so you know who you’re speaking with, I’m a fully accredited therapist, coach, and emotional resilience specialist with postgraduate training in Integrative Practice, Advanced Compassion Modelling, and Micro Movement Somatics. I hold diplomas in Inner Child Calibration, Polyvagal Repatterning, and Boundary Maintenance.

I’ve completed masterclasses with all the major names in the field, you’ve probably seen them on podcasts, and I present annually at the Global Healing Futures Summit. My approach combines Gestalt, Somatic, Cognitive, Transpersonal, Existential, and Post Neo Integrative frameworks into what I call S.A.L.E.™, Somatic Alignment and Listening Experience, an accessible, client focused model designed to make depth work available at every price point.

We’re rated 4.9 on Trustpilot, that’s higher than most airlines, and I’ve been featured in The Conscious Times as one of the “Top 50 Therapists to Feel Safe With.””

“Okay…”

“Our introductory consultation is £65 for twenty minutes. That includes active listening and one clarifying question. Most clients find that’s enough to know whether they want to upgrade.”

“Upgrade?”

“Yes. If you’d like empathic responses, that’s part of our Empathy Plus package. It’s £25 per genuine nod or £60 for unlimited nods per session. Very popular. Reflective statements are optional, for example, I might say, ‘It sounds like you’re feeling anxious about starting therapy.’ That’s £40 per reflection, or a bundle of three for £100. Excellent value if you plan to feel uncertain more than once.”

“Do you have a sliding scale?”

“We do. If you commit to at least twenty-four months of weekly sessions, you’ll qualify for our Relational Depth Discount, ten percent off empathy and compassion as a combined bundle. It rewards consistency of suffering.”

“Good to know.”

“We also offer a Lite Package for those on a budget. It’s fully AI supported. The system listens to your voice, generates empathic noises, and responds with affirmations like ‘That must be hard’ or ‘I hear you.’ Only £15 per session. Clients say it’s almost human, in a calming, very immediate way.”

“That sounds… efficient.”

“It is. No awkward silences, no scheduling issues, and it never forgets your birthday, though the emotional attunement is still in beta.”

“Great.”

“Would you like to extend today’s call to forty minutes? The extra time allows me to really hold space. That’s £45 for the extension and includes one complimentary sigh of understanding.”

“I think I’ll stay with twenty.”

“Perfect. Just note that if your issue turns out to be existential, relational, or long standing, there’s a small surcharge for emotional complexity. We’ll review that after I’ve assessed the depth of your suffering.”

“Of course you will.”

“Excellent. Before we close, would you like to pre book a block of ten sessions? That includes a loyalty bonus, one free boundary rupture and half price repair.”

“I think I’m good for now.”

“No problem. I’ll email a detailed quote and a brief gratitude form. If you can complete that before payment, it helps me connect with your motivation for growth.”

“Right.”

“Lovely. And remember, healing begins the moment the payment clears.”

Note:

Behind the humour is a simple question: what happens to care when everything has a price? Most are doing their best to make a living in systems that reward packaging and productivity. This story plays with how that tension sounds when spoken out loud.